Sporks on a Plane, too...Don't forget the Sporks!

In the early 90's, Snakes on a Plane would've been made with a different title. Perhaps the other title they considering calling it - something like Pacific Air Flight 121-ish. ??? It probably would've starred Steven Segal, and it probably would've made $65 million. It would've been made relatively straight forward - a hybrid of Executive Decision and Anaconda. Hell, they could have made this movie today and it would have done a lot better than what Snakes on a Plane is currently doing. But here lies the problem:

Audiences don't like their garbage to know its garbage.

And here also lies the joy of Snakes on a Plane:

Snakes on a Plane isn't that movie. It isn't some dignified human trying to move swiftly across a puddle of mud all the while looking like a fool in the process. Snakes is the pig that rolls around in the mud, not giving what a flying fuck anyone has to think about it.

I have to say I laughed harder during Snakes than many of the films I've seen this year. Some of the one liners are just classic, such as the aforementioned "spork." "Snakes on CRACK!" The snake kills are joyful. Anything you can think of, what perversions the screenwriters might have in mind when thinking of how a person can die from a snake or how a snake itself can die is right up there on screen. You've got snakes. You've got a plane. All hell breaks loose and it's a fucking blast. Yes, some of the snakes are CGI-d beyond belief. And I wish there had been more bigger ones. Another python please! But really, the middle of act of this film is in a word: GLORIOUS. Not only that, there are quite a few effective scares. I jumped about 2-3 times, quite rare for a movie.

Samuel L. Jackson is perfect. I've rarely seen an actor so pumped for his own movie as SLJ was while promoting this. He knows it's a thing of beauty. Julianna Margulies also does well with what is basically the Halle Berry role from Executive Decision. Now, in a perfect world, Bruce Campbell would've played the pilot. Julianne would've undone the top button of her uniform to support some ample B-movie babe cleavage and would've gotten a shotgun and blown some snakes off the fucking plane. In fact, SLJ, Julianna and Bruce would've been the last three left alive. And Wolf Creek's Nathan Phillips - who plays the witness - just cuz he's a cutie. (Kenan Thompson - more effectively used here than what's he probably ever been on SNL other than the Star Jones parody - would've died attempting to save Rachel Blanchard's Paris Hilton knockoff. That's what I would have done with that.) I do believe SOAP loses some of its Ka-razy ridiculousness in the end, going instead for some regular movie ridiculousness.

But golly, it sure is all fun.

And how catchy is that damn song over the end credits?

I witnessed a guy the other day (relative sidenote: he was wearing a Toby Keith shirt) try to tell two people not see the movie as it was shit.

He was really slow, apparently, The movie realized this long before he did. This movie isn't for cynics. It isn't for stupid people, believe it or not.

So who is it for?

The people who want to see some muthafuckin snakes on a muthafuckin' plane. Bring on the midnight shows baby. Rocky Horror style.

"Oh, I'm ready for it. Come on, bring it!"